Something has been weighing heavily on me this week.
I have been an actor for the past 20 years. I have spent a majority of that time facing rejection. I've been told no in so many different ways;
"We're going in a different direction."
"Your journey ends here."
"You are unauthentic in our world."
"You've just slipped through the cracks on this one."
"Today it's a no, but who knows what the future holds."
I get it, too. I've spent a good amount of time on the other side of the table. I know that all I can do is show up and do my thing, and then the rest is up to the production team. But, that being said, I've been thoroughly conditioned to failure.
It's been a month since I've been in this new city, and I've already got the no once from that part of my life.
"We're all set."
But the fascinating thing has been how other people and other professions are embracing me;
"You're the man."
"You're the answer to my prayers."
"We'd love to have you."
I've spent so long dealing with NO, that I'm not sure how to handle YES.
My horoscope today mentioned me embracing a new direction and letting go of a previous one. I've always said that being an actor is like being on a carousel. It just keeps going around. So, by that rationale, if I jump off, can I jump back on again?
I'm a Taurus, so I'm stubborn. Which is part of what has kept me in the game, I suppose. But I struggle with leaving the one thing I feel like I'm better at than anything else I do. I equate that with failure. I don't want to wear that for the rest of my life.
But shouldn't I want to be a part of a business or career that wants me back?
Have I fooled myself for the last 20 years? I know I have the abilities to succeed, but I just don't feel that the industry matches my sentiments. There are worse things than having a job that you're good at and that people there appreciate you. At this point, I'm wondering if I've developed Stockholm Syndrome with the entertainment industry. Am I getting closer and closer to my break? Or am I like a lame horse, limping around before the inevitable shot?
When do you acknowledge the signs and when do you pass them, hoping the next exit has what you need?